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Archives for December 2009

New Year’s Goals

Last year I was overtaken with the need to be green, an idea that may be attributed to purchasing reusable grocery bags, but could aslo be the result of doing too many dishes in Dawn.  I’m still not sure; however, my NEW YEAR’S GREEN post remains one of my most popular.  If you’re in the mood to laugh, go read it.

It’s unfortunate that today my mattress seems to have swallowed up my funny bone along with my hip bone and right shoulder.  Seriously, if I don’t get a new mattress soon, I may be mistaken for a senior citizen.  As it is, my left hip makes squeaking noises and my right arm has lost all feeling from the elbow down.  I’m thinking about having WD-40 cocktails before bed.

As intriguing as my pinched nerves and stiff joints can be, the purpose for today’s post is to discuss the New Year.

You know, 2010!

It’s as if we were just filling our cellars with canned corn and bottles of Diet Coke, while hiding our children in the attic and preparing ourselves to shoot anyone who dared climb our porch.  At least that’s what some doomsday enthusiasts were doing during Y2K.

Me?  I was preparing to have my first baby, eating my way through every fast food restaurant in Maine, and concocting ways to keep from going into labor at work.  I simply did not trust the guy in the next cubicle to get me to the hospital.  He stole my snacks.

A full ten years has passed since the days of swollen ankles, hidden Dunkin Donuts wrappers, and the New Year’s party that had the potential of crashing every computer in our modern world.  If that had happened, I may still be writing “Dear Diary” and missing out on all your great comments.

Since I’m losing control of time and quickly approaching my mid-thirties (Yes, I just admitted my age; however, I reserve the right to tamper with my birthdate in upcoming posts.), I have big plans this year.  I don’t often make lists, because they end up in a wad at the bottom of my purse, but here goes.

1.  Write a book.

2.  Convince you to buy my book.

3.  Open a thrift store with the look and feel of an upscale boutique.

4.  Stop being grumpy, even before coffee.  Life really is too short for my mood swings.

5.  Lose 15 pounds.  What would a New Year’s list be without a weight-loss goal?

6.  Paint my staircase.

7.  Live each day without regrets.

That’s the end of my list.  There’s more of course, but if I put it in print, I’ll get overwhelmed.  Seven seemed like a good place to stop.

What about you?

What’s on your New Year’s list??

I pray it’s a happy and healthy one for you.  The best one ever.

Happy New Year!

The Year of the Mexican Birthday…Almost

It is unfortunate that my daughter will probably grow-up saying that her mother hated Mexican traditions and did not love her enough to buy her a pinata; however, these are misconceptions that no amount of salsa and burritos can fix.

Cookies courtesy of Jeannie - THANK YOU!

Next year I will most certainly purchase a pinata because once my daughter reaches adulthood, I know she won’t allow me to attend her therapeutic talk sessions and defend myself.  It is my maternal goal to be forever remembered as the mother who not only loved salsa & chips, but could also do the Mexican hat dance.  Well maybe not so much the hat dance as the chips, but you get the point.

Birthday Girl

Despite the lack of raining candy, we managed to have a festive birthday for FringeKid.  The day was bittersweet for me.  With a quick shoot in each ear, my baby had gone from pure cuteness to a bedazzled sparkler.  It’s similar to the transformation of a denim jacket that has suddenly been studded with rhinestones.

I’m not sure what comes next, but I have no more babies.  What I do have are ceiling and doorways filled with streamers and balloons.  I’m taking solace in the fact that they could be filled with spiders and webs and I’d much rather pink paper and expanded rubber.

So until next year, I am the mother who didn’t buy a pinata.

Because Presentation is Half the Battle

Because it was Christmas Eve and because I didn’t cook for Thanksgiving, I decided to go the extra mile and break out the candles.  After all, presentation is half the battle, or something like that.  Anyway, I scrambled around the kitchen lighting the candles, filling our plates, and pouring sparkling lemonade over a few frozen cranberries carefully placed in champagne flutes.

When everything was as good as it was going to get just perfect, I yelled warmly beckoned my family to the table.  My efforts were not lost on them.  FringeKid immediately perked up, exclaimed over the “fine dining”, and even offered up a toast.  She also pointed out how nicely the candlelight hid the mess in the kitchen, but like I told her, “there’s no need to mention that.”

I made a new recipe Christmas Eve, the Pioneer Woman’s Macaroni & Cheese.  We also had french-cut green beans, and my favorite Sally Lunn bread.  I really wowed with this meal.  Never underestimate the impact of macaroni & cheese and a can of green beans.  FringeBoy asked if I sliced each of the green beans into all those little shreds like I did the cheese.

“Why of course!”  I exclaimed.  “I so enjoyed making 769 vegetable slices.”

Neither Martha Stewart, nor Donna Reed could have anything to say in the face of hand sliced green beans, but it got better….maybe it was too much sparkling pink lemonade.

After a few bites of his macaroni & cheese, FringeMan looked at me across the table with the reflection of flames dancing in his eyes and said appreciatively, “This is high-class macaroni & cheese.”

Watch out world!

This momma’s found her FAIN-CY.

I foresee all beef hot-dogs in my family’s holiday future.

I also made THIS RECIPE for Christmas day and it was wonderful.  I’ll just neglect to tell you that I had to make the cranberry sauce twice and the pork glaze twice.  Hey, for some the third time is a charm, but thankfully my lucky number seems to be two.

Did you cook this Christmas?

Search and You Shall Find

I think I’ve only done a post once before where I shared specific terms that were entered into a search engine only to end up on the domestic fringe.  Honestly I usually don’t bother looking to see what people searched to find me.  Often I’d rather not know, but I must have been unusually bored or desperate for a post, because I looked.  Here are the funny ones from the past three days.  They are highlighted in blue and are exactly how I got them.

watching my neighbors wife – Let it be know that I do NOT condone such behavior.  I only write about watching my neighbor’s husband.

KIDDING!!!!!!

Unfortunately, I did say that I spied on my neighbors once HERE. Don’t worry, I’ve given it up for the New Year.

fat girl sledding pics – I know this is a reference to a picture of me in several layers of clothing and a funny hat; however, I don’t think I look fat enough in this picture to justify a search landing on me.  Let it be know, I’ve got plenty of better ‘fat’ pictures for the taking.  Is THIS the best Google could do?

pasta hemorrhoids – Yes, I’ve talked about hemorrhoids, specifically FringeMan’s, but I never said he got them from eating pasta.  If you’d like to read my hemorrhoids post, and I mean, who wouldn’t, unless of course you have something important to do like clip your toe nails…Click HERE.

hairy legs massage – Maybe it’s because I admitted to having a hairy leg party once, but I can assure you there were no massages involved.  I wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I think it would be with conditioner.

beach curlers – My mother-in-law’s not gonna like this one.  The only time I’ve ever mentioned curlers was when I introduced to you to FringeMan’s mom.  Wanna meet her?  Click HERE.

was fringe on december 17th? – It absolutely must have been and it shall be from this day forward.  Mark your calendars!

granny with no teeth – Sorry, but my granny always had teeth.  Sometimes she lost them, but they were always somewhere to be found.  I was in K-Mart just this morning looking at all their junk and thinking about how much my grandmother loved to buy cheap clothes that never fit her and I missed her, right there in the middle of a poor man’s shopping crowd at Christmas.

spandex knee sock feel the feeling – For the final time, I do not wear knee socks.  If I did, I would have no feeling in my legs, because all circulation would be lost.  My ‘muscly’ legs do not fit in confining knee socks that are meant for stick figures.  I wore them once and had fat overhang.  It wasn’t pretty.  If you have a sickly morbid case of curiosity and must see proof, click HERE.

what hat to wear when you have a mohawk – I didn’t wear a hat when I had my mohawk, but I imagine it could get tricky.  My best suggestion would be to try earmuffs with the band placed under your chin.  Or you can just wear a large glove on your head with lots of fingers.

what is butt dust – That’s what you get when you don’t get off your lazy bum!  My television gets it too.  Really, I haven’t got a clue.  Is there a doctor around?  I know about butt roots, but butt dust leaves me perplexed.

extreme mating – This gets searched DAILY.  In some deviant way, I feel as though I should be flattered; however, I usually leave my mating rituals out of my updates.  After all, my mother does read.

slave collar – If you find someone who wants to be my slave, send them right over.  I’ve had no luck, but maybe it’s because I don’t have one of these collars.  I even birthed two children in hopes that at least one of them would act as my slave, but my best efforts have left me wanting.

lucy in the Bible – I love Lucy too and her reputation is almost of Biblical proportion, but she is not in the Bible.  At least not that I’ve read.  Do correct me if I’m wrong.  There are literally hundreds of poor souls out there searching for her in Leviticus, Luke, and Lamentations.  I’m glad it isn’t only my daughter who thought she was in the Bible.  You can read about that mistake HERE.

If you are new to the domestic fringe or if you’re bored and have nothing better to do, there are plenty of links to keep you busy for a few days.

Hope you  enjoy a wonderful Christmas and eat at least four pounds of cookies, so you can diet with me in the new year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Our Christmas Card to You

For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.  -John 3:17

Grandpa's WWII Red Cross Journal - Written as a Prisoner of War

This Christmas it is our prayer that you will experience the true miracle of the holiday.  Jesus Christ, God in flesh, came to earth as a baby, born of a virgin.  He lived a sinless life, hung on a cross in punishment for our sin, shed his blood out of love for us, and rose from the grave the third day.  He made a way for us to be reconciled to God and it is through the cross.  May you experience the love of God and know the peace of sin’s forgiven this Christmas.

With our love and prayers for your families,

Merry Christmas!

-The FringeFamily

Ho, Ho, Ho…Merry Christmas!

My son was born a seventy-five year old man in a diaper.  For this reason, he has never bought into the entire fat man in a red suit swishing down the chimney with a bag of elf-made presents; however, my daughter is a believer and will be until she’s well into adulthood.  It’s not that she hasn’t been told the truth, she does live with the old man in footy pajamas, she just refuses to entertain the truth.  I can’t blame her, the truth is boring.  Besides it’s obviously beyond imagination that FringeMan and I could become jolly enough to buy a trunk load full of presents.

FringeKid lives in a world…

– where reindeer eat magic moss that makes them fly

– where Santa knows exactly what she’d love for Christmas, so she doesn’t even need to write him an item specific letter (No pressure Santa!)

– where loosing a tooth is as big an event as your birthday

– where a jolly, fat fella brings toys to all good girls and boys

I’m more than ok with that.  She has the rest of her life to be a cynical adult, but right now she needs to enjoy her childhood for both herself and her brother.

Despite his sister’s Christmas excitement, the best ‘Santa’ story I’ve heard this year came from FringeBoy.  With his sister out of earshot, FringeBoy began his story.  His voice held the “you’re not gonna believe this silly girl, mom” tone of voice.  It seems that a girl in his class still believes in Santa.  Imagine that?  In the FOURTH grade!

“She believes in Santa” he said, “but she doesn’t believe the elves make toys, because she found a price tag.”

Oops!

I’d better check for tags this year.  I wouldn’t want to leave any red “CLEARANCE” stickers on a box.

Do you entertain fat men in red suits in your house?  Or are you naturally so kind that your children actually believe that you would buy them presents?

Pregnancy Advice

I shared this bit of wisdom with my facebook friends; however, I think it’s worth repeating.

If at all possible, DO NOT give birth during the week of Christmas.

You will never remember to buy birthday wrapping paper, and you will confuse your Christmas party desserts with your birthday party desserts EVERY year.

Yes David, I once again used the ‘spilled paint’ method of cupcake and cookie decorating.  FringeMan would rather let me loose with a box of food dye, than to hand over the paint brush and color swatches.  We must remember, I grew up in the era of Rainbow Bright.

Have a happy Monday!