Ever have one of those holidays where you should have gone out for Chinese food, put a For Sale sign in your yard, and moved to a land without people and holidays?
Welcome to my 4th of July.
My husband is working, so festivities (namely dinner) had to be ready by one o’clock this afternoon.
No big deal, right?
Sure I lost the better part of the 3rd. to a migraine, but I rallied, put the pork in the crockpot, seasoned it up, added the bottle of Dr. Pepper I secretly stashed in the back recesses of the refrigerator, right next to the spaghetti that went bad three weeks ago and behind the leftover vegetables no one would eat even if the feared zombies came and trapped us in our house for three long months without Walmart.
This morning I planned to make cake pops and blue jello with Swedish Fish swimming in the bowl, because nothing says Happy Birthday America like Swedish Fish swimming in blue Jello.
If the dreaded migraine hadn’t returned this holiday would have worked out, but there’s a rule that says when you feel lousy, everything, and I mean every single thing will go wrong.
It all began with the melting candy in red, white, blue. It wouldn’t melt, or rather, it wouldn’t drizzle. Not at all. The consistency was wrong and weird and I never saw melting candy act this way. I talked to it nice, tried another color, but the candy was stubborn, but not as stubborn as my daughter who was determined to make cake pops.
It looked like the apocalypse came to Bakerella’s kitchen. There were oozing, dripping, crumbled clumps of cake everywhere. They bled blue.
My floor was blue, my counters were blue, my children were blue. If only we had the money that comes with having blue blood, because I wasted a good ten dollars on these cake pops.
I felt like I needed all three colors of candy. It’s America after all, home of the free and the broke.
After that it’s all a blur. Water overflowed, things fell off the shelves in the mud room and when I opened the kitchen window it smelled like mold.
Mold is a sure sign of the end of the world. Mark my words.
We refer to it only as The Evil M.
Now I’m waiting for this Jello to set up. Who knew Jello took like eight hours to set up?
If these fish don’t swim, I’m leaving the country. I’ll be back on Labor Day, but not a moment before.
Happy 4th of July friends.
May the fireworks blaze bright.