Mind Invasion

When did the make it yourself / create it from scratch philosophy of life permeate our minds and convince us that we could build empires with a glue gun?  What are we thinking?  That’s not the American way!

Martha Stewart is ruining our plastic, store-bought way of life one craft project at a time.  I won’t stand for it!  We are intelligent women.  We know how to shop in Target.  Polyethylene decorations should be perfectly acceptable for fall.  Bunches of dried flowers filling your vases and wreaths of harvested wild berries hung on your doors are decorating trends invented to give obsessive compulsive overachievers something to do.

Even my mother’s mind has been twisted and she doesn’t even watch daytime TV.  FringeKid called her up the other day to ask her to have a sleepover on Halloween.  I thought this a fantastic idea!  Grandma can roam the streets with my children and the neighboring stragglers and I will be free to take pictures and steal all the good chocolate out of my children’s bags before they’ve had time to realize that nobody handed out Reeces Peanut Butter Cups this year.  My brain was still befuddled with milk-chocolatey goodies when I took the phone from my daughter.  My mother’s voice questioned my child’s one desire for fall – to be an Egyptian.

“How are you going to make an Egyptian costume?” Grandma asked.

“Make? They’re selling perfectly good plastic ones in Wal-Mart for $14.  I may even take FringeKid to get a chin length bob with bangs to make things extra realistic.”

Sadness filled my mother’s tone as she regaled me with tales of a pearl-essence blue jellyfish costume she saw dangling with ribbons and hand-crafted with all the love a sew & stitch mother could give.

“You should talk her into being that jellyfish?” My mother suggested.

The chocolate haze receded into the back of mind as I considered nights filled with sewing, pinning, and puffing.  “Are you nuts?” I asked with great respect.

You see, FringeKid’s mind hasn’t yet been warped by ultra-creative moms.  She’s pure.  She still loves plastic.  I need to take full advantage of this stage in her life.  It’s my duty to make her dress-up time fun.

Besides, when did using a hot-glue gun become so difficult anyway?

I spent no less than hour last night gluing plastic, glow-in-the-dark spider webs to my front windows.  Everytime I’d get one set up and move on to the next window, the first ones would fall.  FringeMan made me quit decorating when I went in search of liquid nails.

I give up.  The real spiders can have full reign of my house until November.  They don’t require glue guns.

This holiday season, I’m boycotting anything that requires me to attend do-it-yourself craft classes at Micheal’s.  I may even buy a plastic snowman to hang on the porch beside the glow-in-the-dark skeleton waving in the wind.  I just feel like I’m losing touch with my inner Martha.

What about you?


  1. says

    I was uber-martha for a few years, then one day I woke up and I was tired. Most of my marthaesque efforts these days don’t involve anything that can’t be cut out of paper or taped together (down with the glue gun!). I have been trying to decide how long I can go without actually dragging the decorations down from the attic. Do you think anyone would be bothered by Santa holding a pumpkin?

  2. says

    “You see, FringeKid’s mind hasn’t yet been warped by ultra-creative moms. She’s pure. She still loves plastic.”

    Oh shoot. That was so funny! Stick to your guns Fringe Girl. And hopefully she will grow out of dressing up before she hits preteen/teen years when the costumes have been designed by…. very *adult* adults.

    I blogged about your Party in Pink today :)

  3. robinaltman says

    I never had an inner Martha. I had an inner Sloth Woman. She hardily advised me against making anything myself, and told me to relax and go take a nap.

  4. says

    Funny. My mother does the same thing, but more with cooking and baking and it appalled if I buy a store-bought pie crust or can of biscuits. Whatever. Stick to the plastic.

  5. Debra Cripps says

    So funny and so true! I was always a gypsy for Halloween so I could just throw on a big skirt of my Mom’s and lots of plastic beads and bangles.

  6. says

    My inner touch with Martha went out right about the time I was delivering my child.

    Hence the reason I don’t paper scrapbook anymore and don’t cook anything that requires a spice or ingredient that I can’t find at the Winn Dixie.

    I did, however, make my own Advent calendar last year (ironically using some Martha Stewart tins I found on sale for $5 at Walmart last year) because I couldn’t find a storebought one I really liked and I wanted to use our own Scripture verses. I printed out some digital scrapbook paper on an 8X10 label, cut out circles and stuck them on the tops of the tins. The tins hang from a little metal table top tree. It’s the most creative thing I’ve done in the last 3.75 years. :)

  7. says

    Holy goodness, you ain’t kidding. I burned myself but good on my best friend’s industrial-issue hot glue gun. Yowsa!

    And while I refuse to spend much money on a store-bought costume, I also prefer to throw together a bunch of stuff from home. I can sew! I just don’t want to be responsible for an entire costume.

    Stay strong, FG. No jellyfish.

  8. says

    Personally I was always a fan of the hobo look. Give them an old shirt of their dad’s, put some dirt on their face and a stick with a bandana. Tada! All done ;-) Unfortunately, my kids never much liked that. lol

  9. jeannie says

    i confess. i didn’t want to deal with carving pumpkins just to have the local wildlife at my door. so instead, i went to michaels and got some plastic pumpkins which are sitting on my front steps as we speak…the kids were very upset.

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