Redneck Heat

my babies eat squirrel

I’m not entirely sure why you choose to stick around here, because if I were honest, I would tell you to run far and fast.

We’re a bunch of kooky, quirky, oddballs, and apparently we’re more than a little Redneck.

I don’t like it, and if I could, I would take myself out of the equation and say, I am the only non-redneck one in the family, but alas my son, the budding photographer, caught images of me aiding and abetting the king Redneck himself.

Loading a Pallet into a Truck

I feel like I should explain, so give me a minute please.

We is Po’ Folks and we use Redneck Heat.

We mainly heat our house with wood, because winters are long and cold in these parts and wood is about all we can afford.

I despise being cold.  I should mention that.

Therefore, I burn a lot of wood.  I can’t help myself.  I dress warm, wear layers, and take my vitamins, but my feet still freeze and my fingers get too cold to type.  That is not ok.

So, I load up the stove, again and again.  You get the picture.

man in camoflauge loading pallet into truck

It’s March and all the good wood is burned.  Gone.  Buying a load of new wood is not in the budget and the last time FringeMan was hacking up old blow down logs on the side of the road, the police came.

Ya, he has this habit of attracting the law and this was not like the time I almost got him arrested.  I have nothing to do with chopping down trees.  I burn them, but I don’t chop them.

A girl’s gotta draw the line somewhere.

So he found this factory that throws out their old pallets.  Hauling them back to the house is perfectly legal and allowed.  They also burn very quickly, so when mixed with some of the wet, frozen logs in our garage, everything goes up in one giant ball of fire.

It makes me happy.

The other day he took us all on a run for pallets.  He said he needed help – all four of our helps.

I should have taken that as my cue to get deathly ill, but I was being a good wife, so I flexed my muscles and jumped in the truck.

These things are hockin’ HUGE.

I couldn’t even lift one corner.

They are longer than our entire truck.

My son, ever the intellectual, said, “You need a chainsaw.”

You know that saying, if looks could kill?

Well let’s just say that FringeMan gave him a look.

“Oh, ya. That got stolen, right?”

My son remembered a moment too late.  We do not mention chainsaws in my house.

Never.

By some act of brute force (it was probably anger over the chainsaw), my husband got this monstrosity loaded in the truck, and then the truck tipped backward.

No, not really, but I’m telling you, it was about to!

Once we all took a moment and allowed logic to reign supreme, Fringeman said, “Ya, this isn’t gonna work.  We have to get it out.”

Huh?

Get it out??

Better call a crane down from heaven.

Now you know everything.  I have a Redneck Gourmet, my daughter goes on Redneck Vacations, and we use Redneck Heat.

Jeff Foxworthy should come live with us for a few weeks.  He could get all new material.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to throw another pallet log on the fire.

**********************

I got a lot of work done and ate chocolate until I began feeling better about myself and life in general, so I’m officially ending my twelve-hour hiatus.  It was good while it lasted.

I can’t explain everything my friends, but one day remind me to tell you about this truck.

Oh, and once, my son told the pediatrician that I fed him squirrels.  True story.

If looks could kill…

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Comments

  1. says

    Hahaha…you are hilarious!!! You know, you are my newest best bloggy friend! I am really glad that you joined the FLT team so we met! I love your blogging tips there and your sense of humor. I tend to write all serious and profound, but I am a big “dork” in reality! (Although I recently wrote about the apostle Paul “puttin’ the smack down” and envisioning him saying, “How ’bout them apples?!?!”) For some reason I laughed really hard at “all four of our helps”! lol…

    • says

      Kristen, I’m glad I got to meet you too! It’s always nice to hang with another dork. We can understand each other when others just shake their heads in disbelief.

      You definitely should have left a link for that post. I’d love to read about Paul “puttin’ the smack down”. Sounds like some good preaching to me!

  2. says

    Ha! As long as the squirrel wasn’t roadkill, it was probably okay to feed to the kids. As for the redneck thing, I applaud you for (however begrudgingly) admitting it. That’s the first step, you know.

  3. says

    We had a lot of adventures like this at my house when I was growing up. It always ended with that look because I was always the one who said that it would never work…no matter what it was. Cross Sanford and Sons with the Beverly Hillbillies and mix in a little bit of Brady Bunch – that’s about how I grew up. On another note, I don’t suppose you could have hammered the top boards of the pallet off and just left the long braces at the warehouse?
    And….how long did FringeMan have to pose holding up those pallets so you could take a picture?

  4. Christina says

    So, I’ve been reading your blog for a little bit now, and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you on Facebook a little (having liked your page), and now it’s official. I just may be an every-day-commenter. ;) This cracked me up. I mean to say, you are a great story-teller…not that I think it’s funny you are cold. I live in Dallas, and right now it’s too cold for me. As you can tell, I am an epic wimpy baby fusspot. The other day, my oldest was walking around in her tiny sleep shorts (only allowed in our house) and a tank top. I had on jeans, a fleece, and was considering long johns. I also had the space heater on in front of me. I think if I lived where you did, I might lose it! :) I am thankful that you found a cheap, legal way to heat your house. I hope that you see warm days soon (I guess spring comes later in NY than down here). I laughed out loud at the image of the truck tipping over, and also? You are in a winter coat and your hubs is in shorts…hilarious. The comments on your pics also made me belly laugh. So, so right on. :)

  5. says

    Well, considering the number of squirrels that are taking over my yard at the moment, I’d be happy to have somebody eat a few of them!!! I’ve had them back when I was a kid. Too little to do much with but, as you say, when you’re poor, you eat what you can get. There is still a squirrel season in lots of states.

    Hey, if you don’t use those pallets, somebody else will. Just stay warm and hope spring finally gets here.

    • says

      Sue, we don’t eat squirrels. I know my son said we do, but we don’t. Really. I mean, my husband definitely would. Not me though. I think it’s perfectly fine to eat squirrels, but I would have to be really hungry. I’m pretty attached to chicken.

      And you know, somebody else would. It’s kind of like a race to the pallets in my town! Today was gorgeous. 47 degrees of absolute beauty. :-)

    • says

      You’re right! There’s nothing better. I probably wrote this wrong, because heating with wood doesn’t make a person a Redneck, but heating with pallets…well, that’s a different story. ;-)

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