Source: polyvore.com via Audry on Pinterest
If skinny jeans came in husky, I would buy three pairs.
After trying on six pairs of skinny jeans in assorted sizes and colors (because, yes, there just might be a difference between the red and mint jeans), I have banished everything “skinny” from my life.
I have high expectations when I get dressed in the morning. I like to breath, sit, walk, and maybe, when I am feeling exceptionally frisky, I might even like to race my kids to the car. I need clothing that allows me to live my life without cutting off all circulation from the waist down. After twelve hours of wear, I imagine skinny jeans are like an epidural. You lose all feeling below the belt.
My feet are too fat for skinny jeans.
You ever try to get a pair of skinny jeans on in a fitting room?
I used a handicapped room, because somehow I knew it would take a combination of high impact aerobic activity and yoga poses to get a pair over my hips. I did not realize I would call on memories from gymnastic class in the second grade and channel Mr. Miaggi as he trained the Karate Kid for his tournament. Daniel Son’s little crane kick held nothing on my fancy footwork, and that was only to get the jeans over my knees!
Two percent spandex is just not enough.
My fashion mix-ups will be transformed by the power of the skinny jean, so says every fashion blogger in blogland, and you know what? I believed them. I actually began to think I would be walking the runway if only I had a pair, but I don’t really want to walk a runway. I just want to walk down my street.
I began to fear that my boot-cut denim from Old Navy were the mom jeans of the fall. Of course the waist line did not come within two inches of my arm-pits and they were a slimming dark wash, but Pinterest said Old Navy is the gateway to the mom jean, and I believed them. I told my husband I am one denim step away from forty.
Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean
It is a fashion chant sung by social media. I hear it every time I fold the hem of my pants into my boots. I hear it every time I hand my ten year-old daughter the camera and ask her click away for What I Wore Wednesday. I hear it every time I open a 20% Off email from your favorite store and mine.
But here is what no-one tells you.
Take a deep breath before you put on skinny jeans, because the oxygen in your lungs will have to last you eight hours or until you can get back home and change into your yoga pants.
Fasting is not just for the spiritual. It is for women who pour themselves into their pants.
Skinny jeans work better if you are skinny. And by skinny, I mean people can see your hip bone every time you wear cotton.
Quit running right this second, because although an athletic calf may be “hot” in a mini-skirt, it will give you charlie horses in skinny denim.
Stand often and sit with caution, especially if you buy cheap jeans. Those seams can only handle so much pressure. Ever use a can of biscuits when you are cooking? Yup. Just like that, but imagine it happening when you take a seat in doctor’s office.
Now I do not want to discourage you in your quest to be on the cover of Vogue for Mommy Bloggers. You go right ahead and buy your skinny’s in every color of the rainbow, but this chic is going to plow her own fashion course right through the racks of wide leg jeans.
Because “Skinny’s” do not come in “Husky”.
Not yet anyway.
P.S. Skinny Jean shopping ranks almost as high swimsuit shopping. If you’d like to read about one of the most traumatizing fashion rituals known to womankind, click here.
Hi. I found you on the Honest Mom Link-up! What a hilarious and awesome post. This make me laugh out loud and shake my head in agreement. Yup, I am with you wholeheartedly. Great, great post.
Too funny! Found you through Honest Mom! New follower!
oh my, yes. i DO Not put color down below either — black or dark demin is it… sometimes a colorful tight but no colored jeans. i look dumb. purely dumb & ridiculous. thank you for sharing that i am not alone in this!!
brilliantly humorous! I think there might be one more option for me though…the maternity skinny jean with long flow-y shirts!
and if that fails, I too will blame it on the fat…feet!
I had finally given in and tried on several pairs of skinnys. The super skinnys from Old Navy? Horrendous. Ridiculous. Just plain dumb, making all the wrong things look bigger. Oh, that’s right – I can just wear big flouncy tops to balance out the abomination in my midsection! But then I tried on the Sweetheart skinnys, which turned out to be a more generous cut somewhere between a skinny and straight leg, and I think I can rock this look. I hope I can – I’m wearing a pair today.
Anyway, thank you for your hilarious honesty, and thanks for helping me figure out how to look modern without resorting to the dreaded mom jeans. No frumpy dumpy for me!
Absolutely dying here. Too much!
(Also? I love Old Navy! Gulp!
)
Up with wide leg pants!! I just read the thing about Old Navy jeans last month. And cringed. Because, yep, I’ve already got them. I had figured I was doing pretty well since they weren’t from Sears or something. But nope. Mom jeans indeed. (My 10-year-old does rock the skinny jean look though.)
Also, GAH, how are you not on Twitter???? This is my second day tweeting the heck out of the awesome quotes in your posts and I can’t tag you in them -booohoooo
xoxo LJ
I keep coming back and reading this again and laughing all over again for different reasons. I did that same shimmy in Old Navy trying to get into a pair of their ridiculous jeggings and then I remembered I’m a woman who’s grown THREE human beings and has the curves to prove it and I laughed like a lunatic in the tiny cubicle that is barely big enough to enjoy a comfortable change and left with my dignity and boot cut jeans in tact!
Yours with profound thanks
Lisa-IHATESKINNYJEANS-Jo
You know, I had not heard that Old Navy was the gateway to mom jeans. That is good to know!
Love this post.
Yeah! I stumbled upon your blog again…happily. Had lost some of my favorites when my computer mysteriously deleted my feeds a while back. This post happened to show up in my FB feed. Now, if I only had my blog back. : ) And I have to agree with you on the skinny jeans. They are for the birds! Blessings!
Have you tried jeggings? There’s a lot more spandex in them…and they work with my apple shape. I have worked super hard to lose 20 pounds so I feel “skinny” enough to try skinny jeans, but the only ones I actually purchased were more like leggings…very stretchy…and pretty comfy too. Just a thought! Although, yes, getting feet into skinny jeans is tricky!
This was a great post! Thanks for your truth and your humor. Oh, and straight leg jeans that someone up there mentioned…fabulous idea!
you know my Old Navy skinnies are really comfortable because they are STRETCHY! I got them in a 14 but then lost weight and now wear a 10…they just shrank down with me and still look great. Give Old Navy a chance, I fee like they deserve it. =)
Oh, you had me rolling! Now I feel much better about that pair of mint skinny jeans that is NOT in my closer for good reason’
“Fasting is not just for the spiritual. It is for women who pour themselves into their pants.” hahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too. Stinkin’. Funny!
Leggings, Jeggings and Tights. Also, I’m a healthy size 12 and I have found Skinny Jeans in my size. Get the ones with the most spandex!
Ah, I love this post! I feel the same way about the skinny jean – even though I’m not a mom (yet!), I too feel that skinny jeans are for the wafer thin ladies of the world. I compromise by getting straight leg jeans from American Eagle, but skinnys are just TOO skinny for me. I have a nice womanly figure (size 8) and I feel like a giant ice cream cone every time I try on skinnies. They are a no go over here.
Oh you’re hilarious!!! You’re not the only one who feels like an ice cream cone though. I was naturally very thin before the baby. After having a baby I’m a curvy size 4 and loving it. But skinny jeans, na-ah not wearing them to look like an ice cream cone.
Are you inside my head? Or just inside the fitting room at Old Navy with me? Because dang if this post doesn’t express my feelings exactly! I know I don’t like skinny jeans. I know they don’t flatter my shape. And yet… I still get suckered into trying them on over and over again in the vain hope that this time they will fit. That’s all I’m asking for is fit, not even that they look good! But after having jumped up two sizes and still not being able to button them, I remembered why I stick with good old flares, bootcuts, and trouser jeans. Thanks for so aptly and hilariously capturing the feelings of curvy girls everywhere!
Oh, you dern skinny jeans, how my calves detest you! This post was hill-air-ee-us! Loved it.
I laughed out loud reading this! So true about the skinny jeans! I, too, have jumped into the handicapped dressing room to have extra room to try and squeeze my buttocks into the skinny jeans. I settled for a nice pair of normal, low-rise boot cut jeans! Hilarious post!
Hilarious and oh so true! Skinny jeans are definitely not my best cut either. I just continue to force myself in to them hoping each time that they will look better miraculously than they did the previous time.
Oh my gosh! This was hilarious and so honest! Actually, I prefer wide legged, straight leg or trouser jeans much better than skinny jeans. I do like them for the fact I can tuck my boots in them, but the trouser jeans are my favorite. And guess what, they are dark wash from Old Navy. I didn’t think Old Navy made mom jeans, lol. If you like wide leg jeans hae you tried Kohl’s Elle brand? Heather
Hilarious! You’ve got a great sense of humor- and your description of Karate Kid moves in the extra large dressing room made me giggle! love it!!
Hehehehe. I can’t wait for skinny jeans to go out of style. Let’s get boot cut jeans back in!
nice! love the colors!
just posted with a pink one on my blog!
xoxo
http://www.thefashionsecret.com
They are not in my future either, that ship sailed LONG ago. Maybe with a long shirt/dress and boots.
Loved this post! Totally made me lough (out loud!)
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Look at it this way–by banishing skinny jeans, you won’t have to experience the lower extremity nerve problems and abdominal pain that can be associated with them. Or the yeast infections. See? There’s always a silver lining.
BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Brilliant. “Skinny” only works for me in women’s sizes when I need a 00, but in skinny can get away with a 0 because then they fit. (Skinny person here.) Even I’ve got to go at least a size up, or risk injury. What’s worse is that skinny’s need the high waist to stay comfy, but instead they pair it will the lowest possible waist-line imaginable… now we (in skinnys) are just muffin tops on sticks. Oi.
skinny jeans make me look very unskinny. I found that for a similar ‘look’ I can wear a straight leg and feel like I’m modern and not feel like I have thunder thighs and a muffin top. Skinny jeans and leggings…we just can’t be friends.
Ummmm, yes. Skinny jeans are not made for ladies with hips. Or tummies. Or thighs. However, I have discovered the power of the jegging (such an awful word). Skinny jeans with an elastic waist. Awesome. And yes, I do recognize that ‘real’ fashionistas do not wear jeans with elastic waists, but I like to be comfy and be able to move and sit. The best ones I have found? $12 Faded Glory at Walmart. Yep. They are awesome and I love them.
And who cares if the cool people don’t shop at walmart. 
Oh, I would love to rock a pair of skinny jeans but I’m at the age and weight where they just make me look like a watermelon balanced on toothpicks.
Love your post! Skinny jeans don’t look the greatest on me. Iook better with a bit of a wider leg. I have bigger hips, so the wide leg evens me out. I do love the look though! It’s very chic:)
Thanks for sharing!
I just bought my first pair of skinny jeans. you know, to wear while prego? You know, as in the largest time of my life? Although I get a few more % spandex in there, I’m pretty sure by the end I’m going to look like a potato walking around on toothpicks.
You. Are. Hilarious. I love my skinnies but I will tell you that I agree – they are not for everyone. And that is okay!!!! On the other hand, if they are THAT TIGHT they are probably the wrong size.
Have you tried a straight leg jean? It “reads” skinny and helps those who aren’t quite ready to embrace the trend but don’t want to wear only bootcut jeans. A straight leg looks better with flats than a bootcut (in my humble opinion) but I still love a bootcut or a nice dark pair of flares with heels.
Always wear what you feel best in. And as far as Old Navy being the gateway to the mom jean? Check out their new rockstar jeans. I think I linked to them in today’s fashion post.
Love your humor. Thanks for linking up and keeping it real!! xoxo
I’ll give you the tip from fashion central: French women smoke. That is why they can all wear skinny jeans.
Tell your hubby that next year men will be wearing orange/coral tight pants. Sad, but true. However, if you wear a scarf with anything, you are golden.
I love it! Fashion advice from abroad. How fabulous darling. Although I do not think my husband will caught dead in orange/tight pants, I will pass on the fashion FYI. He’s more behind the times than I, although I try my best to work on him. I just really cannot picture FringeMan in skinny jeans, orange or not.
My motto is: If you have to have a zipper at the ankle to get your foot in, the pants are too young for you!
Well said. I love your humor here. I personally don’t skinny jeans look good on anyone.
I believe we’ll recognize the AntiChrist because he’ll be wearing skinny jeans. LOVE this post!
I’m kind of in love with this post. There’s nothing like a pair of skinny jeans to make the not wispy among us (me) feel like a beluga. You’re so funny and so right!