If skinny jeans came in husky, I would buy three pairs.
After trying on six pairs of skinny jeans in assorted sizes and colors (because, yes, there just might be a difference between the red and mint jeans), I have banished everything “skinny” from my life.
I have high expectations when I get dressed in the morning. I like to breath, sit, walk, and maybe, when I am feeling exceptionally frisky, I might even like to race my kids to the car. I need clothing that allows me to live my life without cutting off all circulation from the waist down. After twelve hours of wear, I imagine skinny jeans are like an epidural. You lose all feeling below the belt.
My feet are too fat for skinny jeans.
You ever try to get a pair of skinny jeans on in a fitting room?
I used a handicapped room, because somehow I knew it would take a combination of high impact aerobic activity and yoga poses to get a pair over my hips. I did not realize I would call on memories from gymnastic class in the second grade and channel Mr. Miaggi as he trained the Karate Kid for his tournament. Daniel Son’s little crane kick held nothing on my fancy footwork, and that was only to get the jeans over my knees!
Two percent spandex is just not enough.
My fashion mix-ups will be transformed by the power of the skinny jean, so says every fashion blogger in blogland, and you know what? I believed them. I actually began to think I would be walking the runway if only I had a pair, but I don’t really want to walk a runway. I just want to walk down my street.
I began to fear that my boot-cut denim from Old Navy were the mom jeans of the fall. Of course the waist line did not come within two inches of my arm-pits and they were a slimming dark wash, but Pinterest said Old Navy is the gateway to the mom jean, and I believed them. I told my husband I am one denim step away from forty.
Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean – Skinny Jean
It is a fashion chant sung by social media. I hear it every time I fold the hem of my pants into my boots. I hear it every time I hand my ten year-old daughter the camera and ask her click away for What I Wore Wednesday. I hear it every time I open a 20% Off email from your favorite store and mine.
But here is what no-one tells you.
Take a deep breath before you put on skinny jeans, because the oxygen in your lungs will have to last you eight hours or until you can get back home and change into your yoga pants.
Fasting is not just for the spiritual. It is for women who pour themselves into their pants.
Skinny jeans work better if you are skinny. And by skinny, I mean people can see your hip bone every time you wear cotton.
Quit running right this second, because although an athletic calf may be “hot” in a mini-skirt, it will give you charlie horses in skinny denim.
Stand often and sit with caution, especially if you buy cheap jeans. Those seams can only handle so much pressure. Ever use a can of biscuits when you are cooking? Yup. Just like that, but imagine it happening when you take a seat in doctor’s office.
Now I do not want to discourage you in your quest to be on the cover of Vogue for Mommy Bloggers. You go right ahead and buy your skinny’s in every color of the rainbow, but this chic is going to plow her own fashion course right through the racks of wide leg jeans.
Because “Skinny’s” do not come in “Husky”.
Not yet anyway.
Skinny Jean shopping ranks almost as high swimsuit shopping. If you’d like to read about one of the most traumatizing fashion rituals known to womankind, click here.