You know that feeling you get when you’ve just said what you are thinking and realize the last word lands like a bomb that implodes the hour of great conversation beforehand?
I know it too.
Sometimes the thought of pulling out my tongue and cutting it off with a pair of scissors seems like the best thing for my future. I would consider a brain transplant if I were guaranteed the brain I was getting came from a woman who always knew just what to say. Unfortunately there are so few of those women in the world.
I know this because people tend to say stupid things to me all the time. The apex of insults came to me straight from a woman’s lips in the church nursery. Lest anyone who has worked in the church nursery with me for the past five years start sweating in fear of me mentioning them, it’s not YOU!
Ever notice how many disclaimers I include in my posts? I really need to print a disclaimer and wear it on my back to keep me out of trouble.
Back to the nursery – As I crawled around the floor wiping runny noses and building block castles, I chatted with a woman I barely knew. Until the moment of the ill-fated question, it was a great morning. I hadn’t been covered in baby regurgitation and there were no diaper blow-outs. I glanced at the clock and realized that with only ten minutes to go, I would probably survive this morning with no visible signs of baby fluid battles. I had hope in my heart and wore a smile on my face.
Then the perky college-age girl with the clear blue eyes and toned thighs looked at me and asked me about my pregnancy. In confusion, I stammered for an answer. The question sounded like I was currently with child, but my baby was in the two year-old room across the hall.
In shock, I asked, “Do you think I’m pregnant now?”
I slumped through the rest of day in a combination of disbelief and horror. You see, there has never been any question as to whether I am pregnant or not. When I am pregnant, people don’t just say that it looks like I swallowed a basketball, they say it looks like I swallowed the whole court, bleachers and all! And unless this naive girl thought I was carrying a baby in my backside, it was hard to explain the misconception.
I would be fine if she told me that I needed to amp up my time in the gym, or that I should really lay off the bagels, or that the local chapter of Weight Watchers was accepting applications; however, the thought that I might resemble my pregnant self was unbearable.
Like I said, people aren’t usually shy about throwing insults my way and typically, I don’t take them to heart. Have I told you about the time a house-guest called me a “long-tongued heifer?”
No? I guess I’ll save it for another day.
Thankfully my spoken blunder was nothing personal, but related to a geographic location.
Lesson learned: Quit saying things like “That’s the armpit of NY!” or “Ya, it’s a great place if you’re an Eskimo.” I could continue to elaborate, but will shut-up before I insult anyone else.
Like me, do you ever wish you could send your tongue to obedience school?
What’s the most outlandish thing anyone has said to you?