I don’t bring home the bacon, but I do fry it up in the pan.
When a woman becomes a mom, she’s faced with a most difficult decision – to work outside the home or not to work outside the home. It’s not easy to make a choice, and when you do, you end up doubting that choice for years and years to come.
When Hilary Rosen said Ann Romney never “worked a day in her life,” she was wrong. I don’t know a woman who hasn’t worked a day in her life. To tell you the truth, I don’t know many women who get a whole day off. Life is pretty much synonymous with work. Throw a child or three into the mix and your life IS work.
The decision to work outside the home or be a stay-at-home mom is a tough one. I said that already, but it bears repeating. It’s TOUGH! Today it is financial suicide to have the mom (or in some cases, the dad) stay home to be with the kids 24/7. It can be done, but it comes at a cost. I know that firsthand. Losing a salary isn’t easy no matter how much money you make. When I decided to quit work and stay home, we suffered financially. I don’t think there’s any way to get around that.
Before I left work on maternity leave, I had a too-good-to-be-true arrangement worked out with my company. After six weeks “off”, they were going to come into my home and set me up with a computer, dedicated phone line, fax machine, and anything else I may need to work from home. Other than attending sporadic meetings, I would be able to work on my schedule at home. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? I thought so; however, right after I gave birth, the company was sold and the new owners put a kibosh on our plan. I could either work from 8-4:30 + two hours of commute time or I could quit.
I chose not to work because I didn’t want my son in daycare for ten and half hours a day. For me, the decision was a no-brainer. I didn’t have a career though, I worked a job. Perhaps walking away from a career would have been more difficult, but for me, I believe the decision would have been the same.
Please don’t misread this post and think that stay-at-home moms are better at parenting than working moms. I do NOT think that’s true. I’m just telling my story.
Every time a mom told me “You’re so lucky you get to stay home. We could never afford to do that.”, it would make me crazy angry. I wasn’t lucky. It wasn’t easy for me to stay home. I wore the same outfit to church for a year, because we didn’t have the extra money to buy another. It was a choice. We weren’t so financially well off that we didn’t miss the income. And sometimes, I just wanted to work to get out of the house.
I made a decision to stay home with my children. That’s it. Then we worked through the tough spots. Although I was incredibly fortunate to be able to spend every waking moment with my kids, luck played no part in my day-to-day life.
Now before you get bent out of shape, I realize there are moms and dad raising their children without the help and support of a spouse. Obviously they cannot just make a decision to stay home with their kids. They have no choice, but the moms throwing around the “you’re so lucky” phrase were never sole breadwinner/sole parents. They were women in the same basic position as myself at the time. We were on a level playing ground and chose differently. That is all.
Now I’m twelve years into this mother thing and I can reflect a bit on my choices. I do not regret staying home. Not at all, but I haven’t “not worked” the entire twelve years. When my children were babies, I sold Pampered Chef. Yup, imagine me cooking in front of groups of people. It was always interesting. I’ll just say that. Then I worked for a very short time in a day care. I brought my children with me and they cried every single day. My son was three and he became a cry-baby monster in day care, so when a friend of mine. who is a nurse, approached me about watching her children during the week, I jumped at the chance. My children were delighted to have best friends in the house all day while they were able to play with their own toys and nap in their own beds.
A few years later I worked part-time in Kohl’s. My hours were Mon.-Wed. and Frid. from 8 – 2:30. It was a dream job. Work was my “time-off”. Honestly. I totally viewed my job as a break, but my daughter still reminds me that I wasn’t home to get her off the bus when she was in 1/2 day kindergarten. She is still upset, if that’s even possible. It’s funny because on those days, we arranged things so my husband got her off the bus. It’s not like she became at latch-key kid at five.
So I’m saying all this to say, I don’t have a profession and that’s not always viewed as a good thing. I too often end up feeling “less than” or like I royally screwed up somewhere between graduation and childbirth. I know other people don’t mean to insinuate that I lay on the couch eating bon-bons all day (they would be M&M’s), but I get comments like, “Well you don’t understand, because you’re not working.” Or, and I love this one, “Your job isn’t a career like mine, so you wouldn’t understand the stress, pressure, etc.”
They’re probably right. I wouldn’t understand. There’s that saying about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes and I think there’s a lot of truth in that; however, we all make our choices and live with the natural consequences of that choice.
I do understand that I started graduate school when my daughter was three. Then I moved from Florida to Maine, got a job, and had countless responsibilities in church ministries. I understand that I couldn’t think past the present day or else I’d have a nervous breakdown. I know that there were not nearly enough hours in the day. I know we were short on money, lacking in time, and large on love. We did a lot.
But, I wouldn’t understand stress, pressure, time constraints, child juggling, etc. Not a bit. (Sorry. That was just a hint of sarcasm.)
I graduated high-school at 17 and college at 21. I got a job because I needed money, not because I wanted that particular job to be my life-long career. I was married at 22 and had my son at 25. No career. No profession. Just a job.
I may get another job tomorrow, but it most likely won’t be a profession and that’s the problem. People want to know what I do. What do I do?
I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a housekeeper.
I am a taxi driver.
I am a cook (definitely not a chef, just a cook).
I am volunteer at school.
I am women’s ministry leader.
I am a blogger.
I am me.
Happy, but without a profession. I don’t bring home the bacon, but I’ll fry it up in a pan and I’ll certainly help eat it.
I think we all make the best decisions possible for our families during each stage of life. There’s really no room for criticism in that. We all make mistakes and live with some regrets, but we keep waking up every day and loving our families. That’s what’s important. Careers and jobs will come and go, but our families will be around for a while. And, I have a pretty fabulous family. 
What about you?
Do you have a career? If so, do stay-at-home moms make insensitive comments about your work?
Are you like me? Although you’ve worked a lot in life, you don’t necessarily have a career.
Were you/Are you a stay-at-home mom?
Do you regret your decision to work or not to work?
I’m an RN by training and license (still), but I haven’t worked out of the home now in nearly nine years. When we first got married, I still worked–partly to pay back school loans, and partly because a certain number of hours were required for licensure. I was still working part time after my kids were born and before we moved to Canada. My husband did the daycare–often walking the floor for hours with a baby who refused to take a bottle and was waiting for Mama.
Now I’m a stay at home Mama, and while I miss the nursing profession, I do not miss leaving my kids to go to work. I homeschool two kids, cook, clean, pay the bills and keep track of expenses, …you know all the stuff that goes into staying at home. I must say though, I had a hard time not being offended recently when I supplied a term for the pediatrician seeing my daughter. His comment was “Smart!” My thought was “Duh! I told you I have a nursing background,” but I said nothing. Funny how when I did have a career, and I love being at home now, I still crave something…respect for the knowledge I did have or something?
Please forgive my rambling comment. I know that being at home with the kids is the right place for me at this season of life, and I am content with it. But it has been a long day…
By the way, I totally think a part time Kohls job would be a wonderful vacation! The only thing better would be working part time at Charming Charlies!
Great post! I used to worry that I wasn’t contributing my share to the world. But now I think that raising my children is probably my biggest and best contribution.
I’m a working mom of 4. For the past 8 years, I was living in a community of moms who had chosen to stay home, and there was a not-so-subtle implication that I didn’t love my children as much as they loved theirs, or that I was missing some all-important part of their childhoods and I would never forgive myself when I was older, and that I was selfish.
The truth is, I have a career…I’m a teacher, and I love what I do. (Note to Tiffany…please don’t go into teaching so you can have more time with the kids. It’s a calling, and no one should teach who doesn’t feel absolutely called to do so. It does a great disservice to the students when people go into it for “the time off,” which is a total fallacy anyway, because I know very few teachers who don’t wind up with second jobs or summer jobs, myself included.) That being said, I think my family works best with me working. For me, I get to fulfill something important to me, and when I am home with my kids I am able to be truly “present” with them…something I struggled with when I did stay home for awhile.
I’ll be honest, (because you asked for honesty and because I know you’ll know that I’m not being nasty, even if I don’t say it well), it does bug me a bit when people tell me that I don’t know how hard stay-at-home-moms work. I did stay home for awhile, and these days, I still have to do everything that a SAHM has to do, but I have less time to do it in. I know what’s involved. I’m not suddenly doing less because I’m not home during the day. I’m still doing it all…just doing it from 4-10.
Being a MOM is a hard job, whether you are home or at a job outside of the home. Why? Because the stakes are so high. You are raising human beings and trying to instill values and morals and to help them feel safe, secure and loved. My babies know I love them, they are well adjusted, independent, kind and happy. And you know what? So are my nieces, whose mother has stayed home with them since the day the oldest was born.
As long as you aren’t hurting your kids, you’re alright with me.
I’m absolutely glad you were honest. I believe you that the snide comments come both ways. I only see/experience one side of it. I have the greatest respect for moms who have a career and also take care of their home and raise their children. You’re right, working moms have to do everything stay-at-home moms have to do, but they have to do it all at night and on weekends. It’s tough. It’s a lot of work. Like you said it’s a tough job. Glad you love your career. What would we do without teachers? I’d be lost. I LOVE my kids teachers.
Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that I didn’t feel called to teach! I have been unfulfilled at my job as a paralegal for years and have wanted to do something that was more fulfilling and that actually helped people. Having a little more time with my family is only one of the reasons that I chose teaching! =) The time that I spend in the classroom (I’m student teaching while working full time right now) is so incredibly rewarding. I’m in a third grade classroom and those kids are just amazing. Some of them deal with things at home that I can’t even imagine and I love being a part of their lives!
Also, I’ve found out that teaching is hard and exhausting!! I admire you and the other teachers I know who do such a great job!!
I think teaching has to be one of the most difficult professions. I’ve only subbed, but a whole classroom of kids all day, 5 days a week is certainly a challenge. I think God blesses teachers extra special with a large heart and patience.
I have both worked outside of the home and stayed home while raising my children. I have worked an outside job part-time and an outside job nearly full-time. My life has been one chapter after the other, and although I did not advance my career by spending so much time at home, I personally will not regret that like I would have regretted not having the time with my children growing up. Even though they’re older, their needs are still there. But this was my choice. Other women chose to stay home the entire time, and I thought they were wonderful. Other women chose to work full-time, and I thought they were wonderful. Others didn’t have a choice at all, and my heart ached for them. And no matter where on the party line one finds him or herself, that line about Ann Romney never having worked a day in her life was very poorly chosen. Working as a stay-at-home mom is just that. Work. But I found it very rewarding.
Just a side note. One group of people who don’t get nearly the recognition they deserve are mothers (and some fathers, but it is often the mothers) who volunteer tirelessly at their children’s schools. I used to be more involved but am not anymore, and these women never cease to amaze me. The book fairs they put together, the auctions they run, the endless daily projects they’re involved in–where would we be without them? Why aren’t people singing their praises? I’ve often thought about doing a blog post on this–just need to work in some humor as I like to do.
Thank you for a great post. This topic can ignite passions, no doubt, and it’s nice to see it presented in a dignified manner.
Yup. Volunteers are awesome! Thanks for the comment and for sharing your heart. I like the idea of looking at life/motherhood as chapters. I too feel as though there have been chapters of my life as a mom. Keeps it kind of exciting. You never know what’s coming next.
Great post! I think this subject is always a sensitive one. When I worked, I always wished I could stay home. I never thought it was an easy job, but I wanted to have that for our family. I think because of that I never thought stay at home moms had it easy and respected their jobs like my own.
When I finally had the chance to stay home I took it. It is weird being on the other side of the fence now. For the most part I have been very supported, but every once in a while someone gives me a look of disapproval. Personally, I don’t let it bother me. I was overly stressed and never had time for my children when I worked. I rarely had time for my friends and never wanted anyone to come over because my house was always a mess. I decided life is too short to be miserable and I would rather have a happy life and not be able to afford some “things” than have great “things” and not be able to enjoy them.
I do struggle with telling people what I do now though… Am I still a teacher? A Specialist? …Now that I don’t actually work in the classroom anymore?
I think we all let our jobs define us way too much. It’s a struggle for sure. Nice to hear your story since you know both sides. I get super-stressed when I have too much on my plate too.
You’re a writer too…not just a blogger
It’s hard to believe people would not equate being a stay at home mom with work, cause I get stressed out just visiting with stay at home moms and their kids. I can tell you, I hear a lot of comments cause if you think people have a negative opinion about moms who stay at home, they think a lot less of people without kids who stay at home or work from home.
Thanks for adding “Writer” to my list. I’m never sure when it is that I will actually be able to call myself a writer. I still feel like a wannabe.
I think being a housewife, children or not, has negative connotations in our society. Somehow, even if you don’t need the money, you don’t measure up unless you have a career. That could just be my perception, but I doubt it.
Thanks for your post. A little over a year ago, my husband and I felt God clearly wanted, and had provided, for me to leave my career and stay at home with our little one. You are right: tough is an understatment. After several months of mentally battling the “yes, but our life is so much harder” comments from those who work outside of the home, I came to the conclusion you stated: we made a choice. Some choose to work outside the home, some choose to stay at home. Either way, it’s a choice (except, as in the examples you mentioned, when it is not), and those doing the choosing should content themselves with their decision and stop trying to justify their choice to someone who made a different one (especially by making them feel inferior). All that to say what I really wanted to say: so encouraging to read someone else’s perspective and to hear from a mother who made a similar choice and is farther along in the journey. Thanks!
Thanks for sharing your mom journey. I think being sensitive to what God desires for you at a specific time is the most important. You know you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing in God’s eyes and that’s fabulous. And I’m glad you said it is a choice, because I still believe it is.
Great post and you have a lovely family – you included!
Thank you.
I love this post. I would like to think I’m one of your “big girl” readers. I worked for the first 18-months with my oldest. (And, to be fair, I did get to bring her to work for a few months after I returned from maternity leave.) Like most things in life, there are trade offs. For me, the “busyness” that came with being a working-mom was not worth the added money (and, like you said, after daycare expenses, paying gas to get to-and-from work, and having some sort of wardrobe for work, there really wasn’t a ton of $$ to consider).I am with you–it’s a choice. I completely agree that when people play the I-have-to-work-to-make-ends-meet, I silently wonder, “What, do you think I’m independently wealthy? Like I’d been saving cash all my life for the day I can rest and live off my dividends to support my radically luxurious stay-at-home-mom lifestyle at the thrift store and Costco?” I don’t have some moral high-ground about being a SAHM, but I do think many people make assumptions. I have a master’s degree, but even with that, I didn’t have a career, just a job. I’ve heard other women talk about how they needed to stay current in their field, that they can’t afford to be out of the workforce for so long, and I can appreciate that I have no idea how that feels. But I can hands down say that being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest work I’ve ever done. My kids are precious, healthy, smart, sassy and full-of-life. But sometimes I feel like my boss is a tantruming two-year-old, and I take cues on how my day will go by whether my kids got a good-night’s sleep or if they ate enough breakfast. Nothing is predictable in SAHM-land. At the end of the day, we all do what we have to do (I hope) for the best of our family. And as for Hilary Rosen, I think the one positive thing she did do what get a lot of people talking. I’ve read so many great articles talking about this important work, and I appreciate reading it. Thanks again for this great read, and agreed–your kids are adorable, love the photos.
You’re so right! At least people are talking about it and women are getting their feelings out in the open. Raising kids in today’s society is so very difficult. I don’t think there’s a need for one woman to put pressure on another because she chose to work or not to work. Love your story. And, believe me, I’m not independently wealthy either. It was worse when my kids were little (or maybe it just seemed worse). We’ve lived much of our marriage with kids with only one car (and an old one at that). The smallest things suddenly become luxuries, but for me, in my situation, it’s worth it. Sounds like you think so too.
Oh, and by the way… these photos are beautiful! Your kids are gorgeous and you look so pretty in that dress! =)
Aww, shucks, thanks.
Oooh, look at you, touching on a controversial issue!
Ha, I’m just kidding. This was a very well written post and a look at your life as a SAHM from your perspeective! Thanks for sharing it!!
I honestly think that the only person who can honestly understand life from both sides is a mom who has lived on both sides. I have a friend who used to work full time and now she’s a full time SAHM. She tells me that it is infinitely harder to work AND raise kids because you’re not only balancing a crazy life, but you’re also struggling with mommy guilt. I don’t know… maybe she’s just saying that to appease me, the working mom. lol
I’m a paralegal, and getting certified to teach, so that I can reduce my hours away from my kids. If I had been thinking about a family when I was in college, I would have chosen a career in teaching then… but that was the last thing on my mind at that time!
If I could, I’d totally stay home with my sweet babies. Yes, they drive me crazy sometimes, but I wish I could be the one that spends every minute of every day with them. I really do. But we’ve worked and reworked our budget a million times. It’s just not doable right now. And we’re super frugal people, too. We don’t have cable, we don’t take expensive vacations, we don’t drive brand new cars, every thing I buy is on super clearance or from the thrift store, I use coupons at the grocery store. And still, we can’t afford for me to stay home.
Anyways, that sounds like a bunch of excuses, but whatever. I never EVER slammed a SAHM for doing nothing all day. I’m a mom, so I KNOW that it’s work to stay home with your kids 24/7. But at the same time, I really don’t know if SAHM’s really understand what working moms deal with. Trying to fit in quality time with their kids in two hours each day. Trying to make sure that your kids know how much they are loved, but still discipline them in those two hours. Trying to focus on your job when you’re at work, when all you can think about is whether or not your two-year old needs her momma since she was so clingy that morning.
Anyways, just a peek into the perspective of a working mom. =) I almost just wrote my own blog post. Lol
All that to say, you should never EVER feel like you need to have a career! You’re an amazing mom and you’re doing the job that God created you for!
Tiffany, I generally avoid controversy, but I decided that my blog readers are big girls and can handle me sharing my own story. I love that you wrote your own post in this comment. Feel free to do so anytime.
Seriously, I love hearing your story. We all have our own issues and we make our own decisions for our families that would be best for everyone involved. I certainly don’t thing being a stay at home is the only way to go. I do know how hard it is to juggle work, family, quality time with kids, etc. It’s tough and there are no easy answers. Struggle or no struggle, you do an awesome job with your kids. You obviously adore them and love life. That’s success! 
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Great post! I wish people would understand that staying at home is a choice. I don’t like the assumption (from folks who don’t know my husband) that I am being oppressed or somehow coerced. I chose this life, and I’m glad. We function as a unit. People also used to ask didn’t i feel bad about not having my own money, or resent having to ask my husband for money. Wow. Do they think i dont have an ATM card? Or checks? I do the budgeting, purchasing, investing and bill paying! Funny thing about the Hilary Rosen comment for me was not so much the “never worked a day in her life comment” itself, but the deeper implication that being a stay at home mom disqualifies us from expressing opinions about big topics, like the economy. Also either parent can choose to stay at home. I feel weird guilt sometimes, but I bet it’s worse for dads who are the t home parent. All that said, I try to alway be courteous about what i say about any sort of life choice stuff with others, but I know I’ve said silly things to people too.
“Funny thing about the Hilary Rosen comment for me was not so much the “never worked a day in her life comment” itself, but the deeper implication that being a stay at home mom disqualifies us from expressing opinions about big topics, like the economy.”
Shannon, I like your perspective on things.
As a career SAHM, I’ll tell you what I love… I love it when people who are employed look at me to cover all the volunteer stuff that needs to be done, because since I am at home anyway, I must be available.
That’s the way it works Mary.
I’m not a mom yet, but I’ve definitely given this subject a lot of thought! I’m currently working on my PhD, and thats all well and good, but what I really want to be in life is a wife and a mother. I know its hard work (although I may not comprehend *how* hard). But it seems so rewarding. Because of the choices my hubs & I have made, when the time comes, I will have to choose between mothering full-time and a career. Like you’ve said, I’m sure the choice will be Tough!
Mariah, With kids, they are all hard choices, but you’ll make the right decision for you and your family. Obviously you’re are weighing the pro’s and con’s and making an informed choice. It’s great that you’re thinking of these things pre-kid.
I worked for two years after I had my girls because I had to, we didn’t have a choice and it was just a job. When my husband got a teaching job in a much less expensive place to live, I really wanted to stay home. It’s so much harder than going out to work everyday! We made the sacrifices, but when I ask my grown up daughters if they were glad I stayed home I get a resounding YES! everytime.
I also found that staying at home with your kids in the eighties was so looked down upon. When people asked what I did and I told them it was almost like they didn’t know what to say.
Deb, my kids are glad I stay home too. My son always gets nervous when I start talking about going back to “work”.
I had someone who meant well just yesterday make an insensitive comment. He asked if I was unemployed, not working, after approaching me in the grocery store. I am a stay-at-home mom (do some Pampered Chef) trying make a transition to work at home. I crochet and craft and am trying to turn that into a business. It is really frustrating to me when people say I don’t work because I stay home with my kids. My husband and I made the decision based on the fact that with daycare expenses we would be no better off.
Most of the time, I don’t think people are trying to be insensitive, but it does usually come across that way. There is a spoken and unspoken pressure to have a career other than raising your kids. Most of the women who “don’t work” are exactly like you – they do what they can on the side and work really hard to make everything successfully flow together.
Thanks for commenting Leah.
I love your post. I am a single mom with two small (9 and 6) children, an a 2 hour a day commute. It as you all say, a job, not a career. Since we are getting laid off in the near future, I am looking at it as a gentle nudge to do something different. I want to go back to school but with what money, thats a good question. I do want a career but …not one which requires 80 hours a week. Kids are young only once and with all the wonderful things going through their head I want to enjoy it. Yet have my own identity. I tried the stay at home mom thing for a while, and boy are you right, it’s hard. But I have the highest respect for women who are stay at home sicne I know how much they do. Now, I think I would love to just be able to work less hours and let my kids walk or bus. or just get home before 5.15 at night. You are so correct when you say there are no easy choices, and we always wonder or regret not being able to do the other.
I’ll be praying the perfect opportunity comes your way and that you will be able to spend more time with your children. Thanks so much for sharing your story! I love to hear how women are navigating life and doing it successfully. It’s good to share our hearts with other women so they realize they are not alone.
My friend’s husband died a couple years. She has three young children and homeschools them. It is possible (in some cases) to stay at home and be a single parent. Just to put it out there…
Jennifer Jo, I’m happy your friend has worked out a way to raise her kids how she desires. I’m sure it’s not easy for her, but kudos to her for not compromising her desires.
I have a job, not a profession, just a job. I graduated high school at 17 and started my current job (I’m in a different position but same place) at 19. I’ve been here 35 years. I feel God gave me this job and so far has not released me yet to leave. My husband is a pastor and he has had the girls with him a lot of their off-time from school. We did have them at a babysitters for a few years but it was usually just a few days a week. Even now my oldest does online high school and she stays at the church with him and has her own little office there. It works well for us. I’m not sure I could have made it as a stay at home mom. It must be hard to never get away. Sometimes work is my sanity break. God has blessed us greatly to be able through the years to do the majority of the care ourselves and he gave us a great babysitter when the girls were young.
As you say, I think it is just something we all have to make a choice about and hopefully we’ve followed the leading of God.
Yes, following God’s leading is so very important. So glad you have a job that works well for you and your family. It is a blessing indeed! Nice that your daughter can hang with your husband while she homeschools online. That must work out very well.
Friend, I was just talking to a family member yesterday about this very subject. That all I ever wanted to do was be a stay at home mom but I feel the social pressure to “be something.” Have some kind of career, have some kind of degree, be more than just a mom. As a single mom of one daughter that dream for me is close to impossible. I have always just worked “jobs” some of which very good ones I am so blessed to have but I always wanted to be home. I wrestle with being 33 and not having a real career path (especially being single and having to provide for my future). The Lord has to cover us in the areas we feel we falter. I believe being a stay at home mom is one of the greatest jobs and sacrifices a woman makes. Many women deny themselves of a career life for the sake of their families. This is a brave thing to do, not a weak thing like so much of society has us believing. Love this post today.
“The Lord has to cover us in the areas we feel we falter.” ~ Love this Amber. So very, very true. Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you as you’re in your transition time. I think you’re an amazing mother and you have a very beautiful daughter, inside and out.