If a woman’s hair is her crowning glory, then a bad haircut is akin to being dethroned for twenty-five dollars.
No more crown.
I’ve had my fair share of bad haircuts in this life. The first, and possibly most dramatic cut that comes to mind is the time a woman from my church turned me into Lady Liberty. I had tiny spikes of bangs lining my crown. At first glance, I even looked green.
That’s when I instituted the “no church cut” policy.
If we attend the same church, you cannot touch my hair with scissors. It’s for our mutual protection and the good of the brethren.
I’m just trying to live peaceably among all men, so step away and put the scissors down please.
The Haircut that Changed Everything
Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of split ends, and the bottom of my hair is frizzier than normal.
That’s pretty dang frizzy, because I can have an Afro if I want one. My hair is part soul brother and part white girl ain’t got no style.
That’s why I’ve been thinking about getting a trim, as in snip off the dead ends and we all go on our merry little way.
I haven’t had a haircut in a year.
I take my time.
After all the pedicure took me five years between colors.
My last cut came from a trusted beautician in the Atlanta area. Even though it’s once a year, New York to Atlanta is still a pretty long commute for a cut.
The alternative is a drive to Long Island. They know how to cut some hair in Long Island. They also charge you a week’s salary and offer you botox, but there’s a price for beauty.
This morning I sat in my chair and explained the trim idea. I told this woman how my hair was angled, so the front was slightly longer than the back, because I hate the front of my hair when it’s shorter than the back. I’m weird like that. I said I had a very long layer at the crown, but I only wanted it trimmed.
Then I put my head in the beautician’s hand.
Do we call them beautician’s now or am I being politically incorrect?
I knew my good hair days were over with the first snip of her scissors, but at that point, there’s no getting the hair back.
My trim took off a good five inches with the first snip.
I know I didn’t have that many split ends.
So I mentally braced myself for a shorter than expected hairdo.
I’ve chopped off all my hair plenty of times before. I could handle it.
Then she began blow drying my mop and I knew I’d seen this cut before, but not for may years.
I want to warn you ladies.
Neon is a gateway for the mullet.
It must be, because I’m sporting a slightly long bob with a thin layer of long hair in the back.
It’s an updated mullet to go along with my updated denim jacket and my updated neon bracelet. I am a child of the 80s, hardcore. If only they had cut me some bangs, I would make them stand nice and high.
Sing me some Madonna girls, because I’ll cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you.
Tomorrow I’m going to find some one to cut my tail off, because I can only rock a mullet once in my life, and I don’t feel like swimming in this retro pond any longer.
The next time I see you, I’ll be bobbed, or not. One never knows. I may be pixied or bowled.
In all reality, it’s only hair.
I don’t need it for a crown, because I’ve got a tiara and that’s good enough for me.
I just wish I could turn back time and avoid yet another bad haircut.
My son suggested a wig and my daughter thought hair extensions would be a good idea.
I’m thinking bald might really be beautiful after all.
Wish me luck.
It’s me vs. the mullet and I’m not confident.
dani joy says
Great post. Made me laugh and not feel sorry for you. Even though i do feel badly that you lost all yiur long hair.
Girl – that rots! I’m sure some beautician will be able to make your crown sparkle again.
Oh, yes…this was a good one for the blog! 🙂 I can imagine your horror. I saw your pic on FB and it looks so great now! Very cute!!
The Illiterate Author says
Oh my goodness! So sorry for your hair, but your story is hilarious. 😉 This pretty much happened to me verbatim… I had a mullet and a layer that was 3 inches long, tops. Not much you can do to fix that! I’ve left the link if you need a laugh and a reminder that you’re not alone in the world of unfortunate haircuts.
I had to miss school one day in the 6th grade to get my hair fixed after a horrible haircut, the only thing they could do to fix it was to perm it and pray for the best! I cried and my mom cried with me. lol Feeling your pain!
Apple Hill Cottage says
“Stylists” just don’t know the word ‘trim’. Teach your daughter how to trim your hair! There must be some how-to books somewhere…
Charming's Mama says
Hmm . . . maybe I’ll rethink that haircut at the mall I was planning.
Oh I feel your pain! I cried when I was given those spikey “fringe” bangs. The problem was my cowlicks in the front that made them stick straight out. Ugh!!! I also got a surprise mullet once. I cried over that too….I was in 10th grade. The 80’s were barely over but it was such a stark change from my waist length hair and so NOT what I asked for.
Rebecca 'Trepanier' Edberg says
Lets see a pic! I think stylist is the more appropriate term nowadays, but I don’t really give a hoot. I have had my fair share of bad cuts too, something about thick curly hair that not many people can deal with. Anyhow, I’d check with other people who have cuts that you like and ask them where they go for their style. Then you can take their picture to their stylist and say – “do this to me, as best you can”. Hopefully they can imitate. 🙂 Good luck!
I a am a real bore to my hairdresser–I take in the same recent photo of Jaclyn Smith’s hair every time I go and just ask her to copy that. Jaclyn always looks good. The cut is a no-brainer to flatter any face shape. Booooring but I always come out of there happy. And I too have had my share of bad haircuts in the past.
Best wishes reclaiming your crown.
kelly thompson says
uggg, I have avoided going for almost a year because I am growing my natural hair out after many many years of straightening and I don’t want someone to cut off all that I just grew out to get a couple of split ends…thanks for the warning- THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME-sorry 🙁 it will grow soon though!
Oh a bad haircut is the worst! At least you can crack jokes…I wouldn’t be so graceful as I was crying my eyes out. *emotional* Wishing you the best with the fix-up. I’m sure it will be beautiful. 🙂
This reminds me of when I got a haircut at the mall few years ago. My scalp stung afterwards, and the haircut… HUGE disappointment. I was ready to cry. My beautiful waist length hair got reduced to a choppy mess that was supposed to be flowy layers. My new policy – NEVER EVER get a haircut at the mall. I hope you get the haircut that you want.
Ashley G says
I know how you feel! When I moved to the D.C. area five years ago, I had to find a new hair stylist. The first two people I tried gave me haircuts so bad I actually cried. One made my top layer so short that it stuck straight out, like a board (and I have curly hair… it was a sight to behold). I had to straighten my hair and keep it pinned down with hair clips for 3 months until it got long enough to release from the clips! I should have known things would go bad when he said “Don’t worry dear, curly hair will be back in style one day” and then proceeded to take thinning shears to my hair after I specifically said “Don’t touch my head with thinning shears”….. For two years after that I only got my hair cut when we went home for Thanksgiving from my trusted hair stylist. 🙂 Thankfully I finally found someone else who I love, but its a scary process putting ones head in someone else’s hands!
Must be bad if there is no pic. So the Sinead O’Connor is making a come back?
I’m laughing here. This post comes at an inauspicious time, as I’ve been obsessed for about a week with cutting off most of my waist-length hair. I was going to make an appointment tomorrow morning, but now I’m a little scared. Whatever the outcome, I hope I can take it with a fraction of your humor. 🙂 You’ll be fine. Mullets are cowards at heart, after all — afraid to be party in the front as well as the back.